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Firstly I'd like to point out that im normally a happy go Lucky, first to crack a joke kind of guy.
Im extremely lucky. I have a wonderfull support network.
Some days though are incredibly hard.
Ive never not once doubted my transition. However i do find myself stuck in this painful limbo and i can feel my own mental health rearing its ugly head and the walls closing in on me. If i could, right now I'd lock myself away and shut the world out.... Dramatic i know.
"Trans is beautiful." This is a quote that fills up my instagram and you tube feed continously. While this statement is true in more ways than one. Trans can be ugly. It can be terrifying. It can keep you up at night making you qurstion, will i ever be good enough? That feeling of being in limbo. The psychiatrist's, the Doctor's, the surgeons. My life right now hangs in the balence of them and im simply meant to wait it out... I'm 28 this year. I started this journey in what feels a life time ago. How much more can I wait to be the man I know in my heart I am?
The dysphoria is crippling at the moment. I want to be complete. I look in the mirror and i see only a shadow of the man I desperetly want to be.
I never wanted to hide the fact I'm transgender. Im proud of who I am. The scars on my body. Each one tells a story. Ive lost people who i thought i would never loose.
On the flip ive gained some incredible people.
After spending years trapped in my own prison of a body. Im learning day by day to love myself a little more. When ever you feel dysphoric take a step back and simply....
pause.
This journey is long. Its perfectly normal to not be ok.
In order to succeed in anything in life. You have to take a deep breath, pause. And take the good, the bad and the ugly.