.jpg)
I was about 12yrs old when I first properly realised that the body I was born in was not correct. Football was my life. I attended training every Saturday in a local town. We finally managed to join a league... and I was told I couldn't play anymore because girls weren't allowed to play. So that was that. My dream of being a footballer was over; because I was a girl. I didn't understand fully why that made a difference but I realised then, that I wasn't meant to be a girl. I felt like yelling out "No, I'm just a boy with girl bits! Let me play!"
I remember being in my room as a child, putting posters up with blu-tac and then giving myself a blu-tac beard. I didn't understand why I was never going to be able to have one, when it was all I ever wanted.
It took me until I was 18yrs old to come out as a lesbian. Years of being mocked for being a tomboy, I was even told once by a classmate, "you're basically a boy!". It was meant as an insult, and at the time it was taken that way, but I've never forgotten that and don't think I ever will.
As I was living my 20's, I was out as a lesbian; despite never feeling connected to that label.
When I was about 23, I met a guy called Billy. He was a female to male transguy and I instantly felt connected to him. I didn't know why. I'm pretty sure my gf at the time thought I fancied him, but all I felt was admiration and inspiration. Billy was and will always be my biggest role model and one of the most important parts of my journey. Throughout our friendship, I've sent him sporadic messages telling him I'm confused and need to know what's going on with me. He basically told me that I would know and come to terms with it when the time is right and all I can do is follow my heart and be happy.
That right time came only last year. That 30yr old androgynous lesbian called Naomi had tried for far too long to live as someone she thought would conform.
When I discovered Instagram, it opened my eyes to a whole new world. I would follow countless trans guys and would feel a sense of envy every time I would see a post from them. I used to think I had some weird fetish for ftm guys, but soon realised, I didn't want to be with them, I wanted to have the confidence to admit I was like that. I wanted their confidence.
Last October (2016), I contacted a close friend who is mtf. I've know her for about 5 years and knew I could confide. I told her how I was feeling and she told me I would benefit from attending a local trans group. I went the following week and I'll be the first to admit, I felt uncomfortable and withdrew back into myself. I didn't attend again until late February '17. That was the right time and that was my time.
I came out at the perfect moment in my life. I have the most amazing friends who are my chosen family, I was at a job where I feel can be myself, my family are incredibly supportive and I met someone who quickly became my partner and my rock. I am under no illusion that this will be easy, I know it will be hard but I also no that I am so so blessed and lucky to have what I have.
I had my first Testosterone shot last week; July 14th 2017. Two days before my birthday; my first birthday as Niall. I'm so excited and a tad terrified about what is to come.
The one thing I do know, is that I have no fear now. I'm not carrying that weight over me, there is no black cloud and there is no deceit.
I am me. I am Niall and I am living my life. Life most definitely does begin at 30!